Her pain, his love
by kiwichick11
Summary: Jace's POV in the moments before climbing into Clary's room in Alicante to tell her how he feels. Song fic to John Mayer's 'Edge of Desire'.


**Hello :)**

**This is a song fic written in Jace's POV in the moments before he entered Clary's room in Alicante in COG. Song: Edge of Desire by John Mayer. This is my first go (at both a songfic and angst) so let me know what you think ;)**

**Disclaimer: MI owned by Cassandra Clare. Edge of Desire written (as far as I am aware) and sung by John Mayer on his Battle Studies album released 2010.**

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><p>Jace stood outside the one house he should not be standing outside of. He was staring at a window that he should not be staring at. He was wishing for things he should not be wishing for. The events of the past couple of days; finding out Clary was in Alicante, finding out he was part demon, and the horror and pain of the demon wards falling, were like distant memories. They were like ghosts floating around on the outskirts of his mind tantalising him with the potential of distracting him from the one thing that possessed every thought.<p>

Clary.

The way her body had felt in his arms as they had tumbled around on the grass outside his childhood home, the way her lips and hands had demanded more from him in ways that he had long desired but never thought possible. He was her brother after all and the way he felt, the things he wanted to do... He had told her himself he was supposed to protect her from boys like him.

He hated himself for pushing her away that day he had first seen her in Alicante. Hated himself for those desperate words he had shouted that had scarred him as much as her. Those days were past now, and he knew that he should be leaving. He should be out hunting Sebastian. Hunting his Father. Preparing himself for the kill.

There was too much pain in tonight. Pain for her through losing her brother. Pain for him for never being able to hold her for a full night, never giving her what she deserved. And she deserved not to have this…burden. But despite his angel blood, he was still part demon, and the scratching and gnawing of that demon was telling him to be selfish. To get what He wanted. Jace was too tired to fight the demon anymore. Since meeting Clary, since finding out they were brother and sister, he had fought his own wants and needs to do everything that was in Clary's best interests, everything that would protect her. And now as the end was nearing, Jace couldn't keep it up anymore.

_Young and full of running  
>Tell me where has that taken me?<br>Just a great figure of eight or a tiny infinity?_

Jace imagined climbing up the trellis that clung to the wall below Clary's bedroom. He knew Clary would wake once he entered her room. She had a natural ability as a Shadowhunter, something he had never in so many words told her, and he was sad he would never get to see what she would become. Great, amazing, beautiful. She was all that and more in his dreams. He needed to see her, to feel her. Needed her to be real once last time before the end.

_Love is really nothing  
>But a dream that keeps waking me.<br>For all of my trying, we still end up dying  
>How can it be?<em>

Jace drew a breath as he imagined what she would look like waking up, her tousled hair, her sleepy expression slowly being turned wary due to his presence. He knew she wouldn't tell him to leave. She would want to comfort him as it had been Max's funeral that day, and so would put up with his company. But she would never want his company as much as he wanted hers. She would never want him the way he wanted her. He knew what he wanted tonight. To talk to her, to let her know how he felt. And he knew he could finally divulge those forbidden thoughts because a person could when it was the end. He could imagine her eyes looking at him curiously as though wondering why he was telling her all this. He had never -and would never again- tell anyone the words he would speak to her.

_Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me  
>'Cause I'm about to set fire to everything I see.<br>I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
>There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.<em>

He was tired of pretending he was indifferent to her. Those kisses they had shared; from their first kiss in the greenhouse, the kiss that had been forced, but oh so welcome in the Seelie Court, to the hungry needy kisses they had shared surrounded by the wreckage of the manor. These kisses were always in his thoughts when around Clary. She was intoxicating and addictive and all he would ever want. It had killed him to stand by and watch her with Simon, watch him make her happy. Yet he had forced himself to go on. He was her brother. He had become cold, blue inside, that day he had told her he would just be her brother. It was what she wanted, and for her, he would give.

_So young and full of running  
>All the way to the edge of desire<br>Steady my breathing, silently screaming  
>I have to have you now<em>

Jace thought back to that night after the Seelie Court when he had found Clary passed out from exhaustion on his bed. The urge to brush her hair back from her face, the urge to sit down next to her and hold her hand, the urge to lie down next to her and bundle her in his arms had to be ignored. It was painful to sit himself in the chair across from the bed. He had gripped the shard of mirror tight in his hand to distract himself from the pain she unknowingly inflicted on him. He had welcomed the pain, but the blood had reminded him of how much it felt like his heart bled. In another world she would have already been his. If she had not been his father's daughter, he would have already given her everything her heart desired. Been everything for her. But the world was cruel, and he had gone night by night, day by day seeing her, talking to her, knowing it would never be possible. Tonight he hoped he could make her understand.

_Wired and I'm tired,  
>Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.<br>Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis  
>And find me at yours.<em>

Jace took a deep breath as he realized the enormity of his following actions. It would hurt her, he knew, to wake up tomorrow to find he had sacrificed himself to keep her safe. Tonight would be the last chance he could touch her, and in a way, this was his parting gift to her. To let her know that despite everything, he loved her with everything he had and so much more. Love that he knew would be with her after he was gone as she wore the Morgenstern family ring.

_Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me  
>'Cause I'm about to set fire to everything I see.<br>I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
>There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.<em>

Jace released his breath and started climbing.

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><p><strong>My first songficone shot/angst... Thoughts? **


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